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April 1, 2014

Ask me anything!

Today, I have decided to start a new feature: ask me anything! For this day only, I am opening up my site to questions from you, the fans. Have a question? Send me a tweet, or comment below, and I’ll update this post with my answer!

Without further ado:

No, I’m Craig. I’d like it if I had been named Serious, though! Like Serious Sam. That’s a pretty cool name.

  • JeenLeen asks: “When are you releasing Telepath Tactics?”

Never. I am literally never releasing the game. It’s mine, do you hear me? Mine! You can’t have it!!!

  • Ryan asks: “will this game have lots and lots of micro transactions???”

No! I’m actually taking things one step further and introducing the world’s first game with macro-transactions. Instead of paying a dollar or two for in-game currency and power-ups, you’ll be able to make major life purchases through Telepath Tactics: like buying a house, a car, or even a babby.

  • Rivet Head asks: “I feel like this game is very violent, and that people hurt each other for very little reason other than because they can. Have you considered changing the gameplay so that the different sides can either go to group therapy sessions to resolves their differences without fighting, or maybe even hugging it out?”

I agree! I abhor violence. And that is why all of the cutting, stabbing, burning, freezing, blinding, and flinging of enemies into lava that one sees in Telepath Tactics is merely a metaphor for working through your feelings in a warm and welcoming environment. That’s what makes the game so deep, you know?

  •  kavya asks: “How is babby formed”

It’s a difficult process, but it’s doable if you’re determined. You’ll need about two pounds of raw steak, half a cup of paprika, and a tablespoon of olive oil. Set the oven to 350 degrees, brush the steak with the olive oil, cover it in paprika, and bake for approximately 25 minutes. Pray to the fertility god Kokopelli and do a shot of holy water. When you open up the oven, you should have babby!

  • John Stokes asks: “My AMA question is what’s the best way to learn the ropes of game design?”

It’s different for everyone. Some folks come from a programming background, some come from a design background. Me, I just took a week and watched Grandma’s Boy 27 times back-to-back.

  • Metrux asks: “I think Shadowlings rock! Do you think shadowlings rock? Or maybe youre a fascist who loves spriggats?”

Shadowlings do rock, it’s true! But they’re actually much better at rolling. I mean, just look at ‘em; they like bowling balls with faces.

  • Should I Come Clean? asks: “Dear Prudence: My identical twin brother had a drunken one-night stand with a woman two years ago. When asked for his name and contact the next morning, he gave my details—his idea of a joke. I looked her up on Facebook out of curiosity when she texted me, and realized she and I had a lot in common. I met up with her and eventually we became an item. I always had a nagging feeling that I should confess how we actually met. I keep putting it off, fearing her response. I want to propose to her, but feel like maybe I should come clean before we take the next giant step. I’m a fan of your column and I know you often advise people to keep mum about irrelevant sexual details that would only hurt the other partner. Does this come under such category?”

Huh! You know, this reminds of a story. Once, when I was younger, I created a clone of myself and trained it to be a master seducer. However, due to a flaw in the clone creation process, it was doomed to live for only five years. When it found out that it was going to die after such a short life, the clone flew into a rage and attacked me. I was only saved due to the intervention of a random passerby by the name of Philip K. Dick. He later went on to write a thinly veiled account of the whole thing without my permission, and achieved great acclaim and fortune.

…what was the question again?

  • Rob Lockhart asks: “If Telepath Tactics were a marine mammal, what kind of marine mammal would it be?”

It would be a right whale; anything else would just be wrong.

  • Carter Dotson asks: “Will Telepath Tactics cure me of the wandering oni that haunts me AND finally get the 64DD released in the US?”

You’re damn right it will!

  • Brice Puls asks: “Telepath Tactics is an Anagram for Patchiest Cattle. Are you the illuminati?”

WE KNEW YOU WOULD ASK US THAT, BRICE.

  • Flubberj asks: “When do you predict the game will get to the ‘open world’ stage, if ever?”

THE ILLUMINATI NEED NOT PREDICT, DEAR FLUBBERJ–THE ILLUMINATI SIMPLY KNOWS.

…AND ISN’T TELLING.

  • Matti asks: “Two of the other teams have women on them. Do you think they’re at a disadvantage?”

Let me answer your question with a question: are you a sack of skin filled with bees? Because an actual human being would not ask a question like that.

  • Tamer asks: “HOW CARE AOUT THE GRAPHIC”

Excellent question!  When I’m trying to care aout the graphic, I like to kick back with a glass of wine, turn on some Enya, and just let my mind wander. Sooner or later, the method of caring aout the graphic invariably comes to me. Good luck!

  • Mom asks: “If you saw this person on the street, would cast him/her in your game as a villain, damsel in distress, or as comic relief?”

Wait. What person? Is there a person there? I don’t see any person. Is this an invisible person? I think that it would be great to have invisible people in the game. I would save so much time and money on graphics!

  • Doris asks: “Who do I have to kill in order to get online multiplayer? No, seriously. I’ll kill some one. Anyone you like.”

You must kill the fear within yourself and become the Programmer of Legend!

And then code it for me.

  • Bob Dylan asks: “How many roads must a man walk down / before you can call him a man?”

The answer, my friend, is you already did / you already callllled him a maaaaaaan.

  • Rivet Head

    I feel like this game is very violent, and that people hurt each other for very little reason other than because they can. Have you considered changing the gameplay so that the different sides can either go to group therapy sessions to resolves their differences without fighting, or maybe even hugging it out?

  • Mom

    If you saw this person on the street, would cast him/her in your game as a villain, damsel in distress, or as comic relief?

  • Metrux

    I think Shadowlings rock! Do you think shadowlings rock? Or maybe youre a fascist who loves spriggats? ¬¬ (Imperial mode ON!)

  • Flubberj

    When do you predict the game will get to the “open world” stage, if ever? Also, could you make a way to eliminate some of the particles? On the larger lava map it runs so slowly it hurts.

  • Doris

    Who do I have to kill in order to get online multiplayer? No, seriously. I’ll kill some one. Anyone you like.