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General => General Discussion => Forum Games => Topic started by: Bromtaghon on July 01, 2010, 11:15:24 PM

Title: No Pun Intended
Post by: Bromtaghon on July 01, 2010, 11:15:24 PM
A man once entered a pun contest.  He submitted ten puns, hoping to at least win a single prize, but sadly, no pun in ten did.

A doctor walked into a bar and ordered a hazelnut daiquiri.
The next day, he walked into the bar and ordered another hazelnut daiquiri.
He became a regular and ordered the same drink every day, coming at the same time.  Eventually, the bartender started preparing his drink before he arrived and it was always waiting on the counter when the doctor got there.
Once, the bartender lost track of time and realized he was out of hazelnuts.  He looked around, but all he could find was hickory nuts.  He threw together the drink and hoped the doctor wouldn't notice.
The doctor came in right on time, took a single sip, and said "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No," said the bartender. (Wait for it...)
"It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Post your lamest puns here!
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Duskling on July 01, 2010, 11:17:14 PM
I think this should be moved to Forum Games?
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Bromtaghon on July 01, 2010, 11:19:19 PM
Good point.  Can a mod move this please?

...waiting for KZ or Ert to show up...
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Tastidian on July 02, 2010, 12:52:50 AM
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's allright now.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police arelooking into it.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Bromtaghon on July 02, 2010, 08:19:58 AM
Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though.  ???
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Duskling on July 02, 2010, 12:46:33 PM
Quote from: Bromtaghon on July 02, 2010, 08:19:58 AM
Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though.  ???
Aren't dull jokes the point?
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: MikeW781 on July 02, 2010, 02:43:52 PM
Quote from: Bromtaghon on July 02, 2010, 08:19:58 AM
Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though.  ???
Grass= Weed/Pot
So keep of the grass, as in don't smoke, and keep off the grass as in stay of the lawn
Wow. Explaining puns is not very interesting
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Bromtaghon on July 02, 2010, 03:50:47 PM
Some puns just don't work because the person doesn't get it/doesn't know something.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Tastidian on July 04, 2010, 03:52:47 PM
Quote from: Bromtaghon on July 02, 2010, 08:19:58 AM
Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though.  ???

Thanks and mikew781 already explained the 3rd one

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

Try to read these.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point Kap'n Klystron - Nanuet, NY

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.



Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Bromtaghon on July 04, 2010, 04:07:31 PM
Nice, I liked the piano and clock ones.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Duskling on July 04, 2010, 04:09:15 PM
My favorite is the "fire at will" one :D.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Tastidian on July 04, 2010, 04:13:32 PM
Quote from: Bromtaghon on July 04, 2010, 04:07:31 PM
Nice, I liked the piano and clock ones.

Me too, time flies, or it does when I throw my alarm clock out of the window.

The following is not true purely for the pun of it.

I have to hand it to you for making topics time and time again. Even though this is not the fist time you went into minute detail. Which really ticks me off. I'm going cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo!!

And my last one for today

Once there was a 10 year old kid who's name is Bob was always jealous of his friends who always brags of all their possessions.

30 years later

He went over to his friends and bragged about his 5 story house and ask them all to come over.

15mins later

All of his friends came to see his house but they saw nothing through the dark alley. Bob emerged form the darkness and led them trough it. His fiends asked, "Where is your house?" Bob said, "Your looking at it... Don't you see those 5 boxes stacked on top of each other there it is."

I'll admit the story is lame but the end is funny.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Steel Ersatz Man on July 05, 2010, 03:10:41 AM
Why do cars need to get tuned up?

Because, otherwise, they get tyred.

(Tumbleweed blows across room)
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Tastidian on July 05, 2010, 08:15:49 PM
I thought it was funny
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: CraigStern on July 05, 2010, 08:25:47 PM
185 rulers walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve rulers here."

"Oh, that's fine," said the rulers. "We're straight edge." :D
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Zhampir on July 05, 2010, 09:50:34 PM
A priest and a rabi walk in a bar, another guy ducks.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Tastidian on July 05, 2010, 11:21:26 PM
If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!


I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak. I'm not a vegetarian.


The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.


Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.


To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. My worst one yet.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on September 19, 2010, 09:10:30 PM
I thought they were punny. Wow. Hope I don't revive a dead thread.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Duskling on October 07, 2010, 11:20:43 PM
Necropost! (Hopefully, this was a good thread!)

A group of terrorists were camped out in a building, and the SWAT team threatened to blow their position with a rocket launcher, they gave up, no longer wanting to live on the other side of the LAW (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M72_LAW).
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on October 08, 2010, 04:03:58 PM
"Darn it! This statue must weigh a ton!"

"Turn it around"

"What good'll that do?"

"Because backwards, it's not"

(Don't laugh, or the consequences will be dire.)
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: The Holy namelesskitty on October 08, 2010, 04:53:13 PM
That gives bad unfunny puns a bad name...


TAZER THE DUCK!!!!!
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on October 08, 2010, 05:55:28 PM
How about this:

A man, a woman, and a used car seller walk into a bar.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on October 08, 2010, 10:25:00 PM
Eh. I don't get it.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: The Holy namelesskitty on October 09, 2010, 08:51:42 AM
sorry I don't get it, are you suggesting that used car sellers constitute their own gender?
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on October 09, 2010, 09:15:23 AM
Close. I'm suggesting that if the human race is made of men and women...
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on October 09, 2010, 01:43:18 PM
Or maybe he thought they deserved their own species.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: The Holy namelesskitty on October 09, 2010, 11:22:07 PM
Perhaps another homeworld entirely?
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on October 10, 2010, 06:05:09 AM
It's obvious the joke isn't. Allow me to try again:

Icy, said the blind penguin, as he picked up the icicle and saw.

Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on October 10, 2010, 06:17:28 AM
Nope. Don't get it.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on October 10, 2010, 09:38:11 PM
Oh, come on. That one was a triple-entendre, and I worked for 5 minutes on it!

First of all, the penguin is holding an icicle, and it makes sense, and "icy" could mean as spelled, or "I see".

Second, what's a blind person, penguin or otherwise, doing with an icicle and saw?

Finally, saw is both a literal saw, and the past tense of "to see".

Thus, the blind penguin saw, (prompting an "Icy" referring to both the icicle and the saw) because the joke says he did: "... picked up the icicle and saw.

Get it?
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on October 11, 2010, 05:27:20 AM
Hammer? What hammer? I didn't see a hammer.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on October 11, 2010, 08:10:19 AM
Sorry, icicle. But do ya get the joke??
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on October 11, 2010, 05:04:18 PM
Nope. Not really. :P
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on October 11, 2010, 07:36:37 PM
GAHHH!!!!!! HUMANS!

The soup didn't taste too good after he poured his soda in, 'cause too many cokes spoils the broth.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on October 11, 2010, 07:37:49 PM
All I can say is "Wha?"
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on October 11, 2010, 07:56:26 PM
It's a common expression.

The farmer didn't give any serious pause to think about why the number of tubers he possessed equaled 1 + 1 + 1/2! + 1/3! + ..., unlike most of those has e taters.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Idozen Cair on December 07, 2010, 07:44:47 AM
1. That panda eats shoots and leaves.

2. That panda eats, shoots, and leaves.

Notice the difference?
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Duskling on January 20, 2011, 11:57:00 PM
No matter what happens, always remember: you are unique... just like everyone else. :)
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on March 22, 2011, 08:09:03 PM
An Algebra teacher looks up from her desk to see a student beating their assignment with a bat. He wanted to make his grades sore.

More!!!

Why did the student store his paper in a bag of grass? He wanted to make his grades high.

When life gives you apple, return with a push.
And yet some more!

What did one shadowling say to the loser other? "Dude. Get a light."
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on March 24, 2011, 05:41:29 PM
Bill Clinton's VP is sitting at his desk, doing a math problem. Clinton notices that the pencil the man is holding, as he writes, is scratching out a funky beat on the piece of paper.

Clinton asks, "What 'cha doing, Al?"

and the Vice President replies, "Well, I'm coming up with an AlGoreRhythm."
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Ertxiem on April 06, 2011, 03:31:09 PM
Three tough guys are sitting on a wall.
The fist asks the second: "How much is 2 + 2 ?"
The second thinks for a while and replies: "5"
The first guy pulls his gun and kills the second guy.
The third guy, a bit scared, asks: "Why did you kill him?"
The first guy answers: "He knew too much."

Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on April 06, 2011, 04:00:06 PM
Yours, I don't get.

VENUSIAN:Hey, Mister! Know any Martians?
EARTHLING:No... why?
VENUSIAN:That's strange. I've done a study on thy culture, and I find all sorts of references to them.
EARTHLING:Yeah? Like what?
VENUSIAN:Well, there's that song your God-worshipping fighters sing. I believe it's called: "Battle Hymn of the Republic."
EARTHLING:Really? I don't remember any Martians in that song...
VENUSIAN:Well, there's the chorus; it goes, "Glory, glory hallelujah, Glory, glory hallelujah, Glory, glory hallelujah --"
EARTHLING:Yeah? I'm not seeing the Martians.
VENUSIAN:"-- as we go Martian on..."
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Ertxiem on April 06, 2011, 04:36:15 PM
There is something with dashes under...
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on April 06, 2011, 04:40:47 PM
Still not getting it, and I don't see the dashes. Also, why are they sitting in a wall?
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Ertxiem on April 06, 2011, 04:57:32 PM
Hoover the mouse over "too much" in the last line.
Spoiler
And if you don't get it, think about the question in the first line.
2+2=4, so answering 5 is too much.
And when you think about illegal activities, sometimes somebody dies because he knew too much.

Typo. I guess they should be "on a wall", since being "in a wall" might be a bit unhealthy!
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on April 06, 2011, 05:01:37 PM
Quote
since being "on a wall" might
don't you mean "in a wall" ?
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Ertxiem on April 06, 2011, 05:06:51 PM
Oh! My brain seems to be a bit dead... :P (Does this post counts as being on topic?)
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on April 06, 2011, 05:09:05 PM
Ah. I won't mention the other typo, then. I wouldn't want the dead cow to feel bad.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Ertxiem on April 06, 2011, 05:17:39 PM
I'm worst than I thought. It seemed that I don't know how to spell. (Can this post also count as being on topic?)
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on April 06, 2011, 05:19:03 PM
Well, we are speaking of the udder truth. But I didn't see another grammatical error. Maybe I'm just tired.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Ertxiem on April 06, 2011, 05:24:12 PM
I edited the post to correct the typo. I wrote "new" instead of "knew" in the last line.

Or were you transformed in a tyre? (Yeah. This is a lame pun...)
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on April 06, 2011, 06:49:09 PM
(You'd better shoot it in the leg. I can't cover the veterinary costs)
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: bugfartboy on April 06, 2011, 06:50:20 PM
I really thought that "new" was intentional. As in "he was the new guy. He knew too much."
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Deagonx on April 07, 2011, 02:52:48 PM
Is it really hot outside, or is it just ME?
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on April 07, 2011, 06:00:36 PM
That's an inuendo, and possibly qualifies as a pun... this time.

But really, can you think of something better?
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Deagonx on April 07, 2011, 08:46:40 PM
I adopted a child from overseas, to rescue him from child labor factories...

and on his very first birthday we went to build-a-bear workshop....
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on April 09, 2011, 01:29:45 PM
That's not a pun. That's a comic one-liner. Please post puns in this thread.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Deagonx on April 10, 2011, 08:23:32 PM
Oh sorry. I misunderstood the thread.

That last one had no pun intended... *cough*


does that count?  ._.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on April 16, 2011, 06:02:22 AM
Hrrhm.... sure.

I went to my doctor, and told him I had broken my leg in two places, and he told me to

funny
stop going to those two places.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Deagonx on April 20, 2011, 02:35:56 PM
   What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on April 21, 2011, 02:16:41 PM
Caveman 1:  What dat?
Caveman 2:  Issa wheel.
Caveman 1:  Issa wheel?
Caveman 2:  Yah.
Caveman 1:  Well, why issa triangle? Most wheels I see are squarish.
Caveman 2:  'Cuz issa new wheel. Issa improvement on da last one.
Caveman 1:  Improvement?
funny
Caveman 2:  Yah. Issa eliminates one bump.
[/table]
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Deagonx on April 21, 2011, 02:42:40 PM
TRUE STORY: We were doing the awards ceremony today. And during the 'Perfect Attendance' awards 4 of the people we're actually at the ceremony !  :D
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Deagonx on August 01, 2011, 03:04:44 AM
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on August 03, 2011, 12:54:54 PM
How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
It rather depends on what they're changing it into.
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: Deagonx on August 04, 2011, 02:08:52 PM
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
Title: Re: No Pun Intended
Post by: ArtDrake on July 30, 2012, 04:27:44 PM
What do you call a Spanish gentlemen sailing in open waters?

Sea seņor.