Just post your favourite and best jokes here! For a start:
'I did not come here to be insulted.'
'What, you have a special place to go for that sort of thing?'
Are dirty jokes allowed?
Are they against the forum rules?
Quote from: KZ on February 07, 2010, 05:23:25 PM
As set by CraigStern on the old forums:
"All right folks, there are only a few rules for posting here (as of right now--more may be added later if the need arises):
-- no pornography
-- no hate speech
-- no spamming
-- no flaming
Doing any of those things is a bad idea, and will probably get you banned from these forums.
What should you do, then?
-- be polite
-- use proper grammar
-- consult dictionary.com when in doubt about how to spell something
That's all. Now go off and have fun!"
;)
Maybe just put dirty jokes in a spoiler?
Thanks Ert. I meant it as a rhetorical question, but oh well.
This is a situation joke that really happened today:
"A friend of mine was in French class doing a sheet to make up for a grade on a test. When she was done, I grabbed her paper and said 'This'll be great for a paper airplane! Ten your grades will really soar!'"
Get it?
Quote from: MikeW781 on March 14, 2011, 04:08:14 PM
Maybe just put dirty jokes in a spoiler?
I don't really think it's a very good idea... these forums open to people of all ages.
I guess. I honestly would feel odd sharing a dirty joke here anyways.
Good one Buggy!
Mum: Weren't you going to grandma's?
Me: Yes, but after I walked three-quarters of the journey, I got too tired, so I walked back!
Why was 6 afraid of 7 and 9?
7 8 9.
10, 9 8 7.
A dirty joke - sort of. Not particularly offensive, but lengthy.
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Three priests are in a boat, fishing. They fish for several hours, and run out of bait. The first priest says, "I'll get some more."
He says a quick prayer, walks across the water, digs up some more worms, and crosses back with the bait. Several more hours of fishing later, they, again, run out of bait. The second priest says, "Don't worry. I'll get the bait this time."
He also says a quick prayer, walks across the water, digs up worms, and crosses back to the boat. Then, in the afternoon, they run out of bait again. The third priest, not wanting to make the other ones get the bait again, volunteers. "I'll get the bait this time." He says a quick prayer, gets out of the boat, and falls in the water. The first priest says to the second,
[spoiler=funny]"Should we tell him where the stepping stones are?"[/spoiler]
Good, good!
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can 'hoe, hoe, hoe'!
One day, a man is out walking a little yellow dog, and he's confronted by a guy with a German Shepherd. The man says, "I bet my German Shepherd could beat up your little yellow dog." The guy with the little yellow dog says, "Bring it."
The German Shepherd starts to beat up the little yellow dog, but then the little yellow dog eats the German Shepherd. The man that had the German Shepherd goes off, crying.
The next day, the same guy is out walking his little yellow dog, and he's confronted by a guy with a Doberman. The guy with the Doberman says, "I'll bet that my Doberman could beat up your little yellow dog." The guy with the little yellow dog says, "My little yellow dog can take him."
The Doberman starts to beat up the little yellow dog, but then the little yellow dog eats the Doberman. The man that had the Doberman goes off, crying.
The day after that, the man is out walking his little yellow dog again, and a man with a Rottweiler confronts him. "I say my Rottweiler can beat up your little yellow dog." The guy with the little yellow dog says, "My little yellow dog is tough enough."
The Rottweiler starts to beat up the little yellow dog, but the little yellow dog, again, eats the Rottweiler. The man with the Rottweiler is shocked, and asks,
"What kind of dog is that, anyway?" The man replies,
[spoiler=funny]"Well, before I cut off the tail and painted it yellow, it was an alligator."[/spoiler]
A boy asked to use the car. His father said, 'No, unless you cut your hair.'
'But Jesus had long hair too!'
'Ah, but he WALKED everywhere.'
That's... rather nonsensical, if you were to ask me. Why should hair length have anything to do with one's ability or right to drive a car?
- Mum, why is dad bald?
- Because he's very intelligent and he thinks a lot, so the hair falls.
- Mum, why do you have all that hair?
- Shut up and eat your soup!
Haha. Way to go Ert. Now I can't stop smiling. :D
Quote from: Duckling on March 22, 2011, 07:24:40 PM
That's... rather nonsensical, if you were to ask me. Why should hair length have anything to do with one's ability or right to drive a car?
You don't geddit? The boy had long hair and asked to drive the car. The father asked him to cut his hair if he was to drive the car. The boy rebutted by saying that Jesus (his role-model) had long hair too. The father rebutted by saying that Jesus walked everywhere instead of drving. Geddit now?
Yes, but what would the father's ulterior motive be in creating a direct correlation between the length of his son's hair and the extent to which he is allowed to drive the car. Yes, Jesus did have long hair. Yes, if long hair means that one cannot drive, then Jesus could not drive; the question is, why the length of hair be a limitation in the first place?
Ducky, drop it. You obviously don't get it. Now turn the smiley into frowny-> ::)
For those of you who are wondering what Ducky said because he used many big and small words alike, here it is, simplified:
"Why did the dad tell his son that he could only drive after cutting his hair?"
Because he wanted his son to cut his hair in exchange for driving the car.
Quote from: Idozen Cair on March 26, 2011, 03:55:56 AM
Because he wanted his son to cut his hair in exchange for driving the car.
No, Ducky wanted to know the reason behind the father wanting this, as the length of your hair does not impair you ability to drive a car, or vehicle of any sort.
It's not very funny, I'm afraid.
I understood that the father had wanted the son to cut his hair anyway, so he'd offered a trade; cut your hair and you can drive the car. I might be wrong, however.
You got it. Be just didn't get the reference to Jesus. The reference was, Jesus had long hair, but he walked everywhere. He didn't drive. That clear that up a bit?
NO!
I get the lame joke, but I'm wondering about the reason the father wants the son to cut his hair in the first place. I'm not just dim-witted. Steelfist and Duskling understand what I mean.
The dad has a thing against long hair?
Get a haircut and get a real job (http://www.google.com/search?q=get+a+haircut+and+get+a+real+job). :)
Which one? And clever clever Ert. Covering your Portugese by using English.
The song is funny (most of the links lead to it) and is slightly related to the joke.
There's no reason behind that because it's not the main point of the joke.
What do you get from crossing an egg with a Shakspeare play?
Omelet.
Here is a list of Yo Mama jokes copied from the internet:
Yo Momma so Smelly:
the government make her wear a biohazard warning
she made Right Guard call for backup.
even the dogs won't smell her.
she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.
her poo is glad to escape.
that standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells sweet.
that when you was being born, the doctor's and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks...
even sewer rats get outta her way.
that farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer...
Yo Momma so Dirty:
she has to creep up on the bath water.
that standin next to a tramp, she make the tramp look like a butler.
that her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside.
she lost 2 stone after taking a shower
that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.
Yo Momma so Greasy:
texaco buy oil from her
her freckles slipped off.
the Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry
her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.
she uses bacon as a band aid.
(I've taken the ones I thought were a little bit innapropriate out).
That was certifiably disgusting. >:(
While I like to tell jokes, I refrain myself from posting some of them here. There are a couple of reasons for doing this:
- They're in my native language and not directly translated;
- They may be considered of bad taste or inappropriate for some age groups. Remember that anyone can browse through these forums (even if not registered).
In my view, the "Yo momma" jokes are slightly insulting (not enough to be removed, in my opinion) even if they're not targeted at anyone in particular.
Duckling: It seems that you used an automatic translator...
Try Lost in translation (http://tashian.com/multibabel/) for some funny results.
By the way, see my reply to your question in What does Ertxiem stand for? (http://sinisterdesign.net/forum/index.php?topic=647.msg34440#msg34440).
I think some of you are missing the point that it is a JOKE. last i checked jokes didn't have to make sense. And i know for a fact that some parents DESPISE long hair. my own father being one of them (but now he's alone rotting in his house for all i care so ^_^) sometimes it's because of a militairy background, sometimes its because of hatred towards hippies, sometimes its just for some other strange reason. but the WHY isn't important in a joke because jokes aren't always based on reality.
i'd share a joke but my nucleus accumbens is out of whack so i'm not really in the mood for it.
Let it go, Rainen.
A dog was staring at a hen hungrily.
'I will treat you like how you treat that hen!' yelled the dog's owner.
The dog then licked the hen's backside.
NASA needed a volunteer who was a non astronaut for a mission which there would be no return from. Eventually they narrowed what few applicants they had down to three, a naturalist, a physician and a lawyer. They were undecided on who to send so they asked each how much it would cost and where the money would go.
The naturalist said "A million, no less! And each penny goes to the advancement of environmental science!"
The physician said "Two million! Half for my family and the other to the cure for HIV/AIDS, not a single cent less!"
The lawyer said "Three million" Immediately the interviewers asked, "What for that's three times what the naturalist said." "A million for me, a million for you and we send that guy."