A man once entered a pun contest. He submitted ten puns, hoping to at least win a single prize, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
A doctor walked into a bar and ordered a hazelnut daiquiri.
The next day, he walked into the bar and ordered another hazelnut daiquiri.
He became a regular and ordered the same drink every day, coming at the same time. Eventually, the bartender started preparing his drink before he arrived and it was always waiting on the counter when the doctor got there.
Once, the bartender lost track of time and realized he was out of hazelnuts. He looked around, but all he could find was hickory nuts. He threw together the drink and hoped the doctor wouldn't notice.
The doctor came in right on time, took a single sip, and said "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No," said the bartender. (Wait for it...)
"It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
Post your lamest puns here!
I think this should be moved to Forum Games?
Good point. Can a mod move this please?
...waiting for KZ or Ert to show up...
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's allright now.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police arelooking into it.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though. ???
Quote from: Bromtaghon on July 02, 2010, 10:19:58 AM
Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though. ???
Aren't dull jokes the point?
Quote from: Bromtaghon on July 02, 2010, 10:19:58 AM
Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though. ???
Grass= Weed/Pot
So keep of the grass, as in don't smoke, and keep off the grass as in stay of the lawn
Wow. Explaining puns is not very interesting
Some puns just don't work because the person doesn't get it/doesn't know something.
Quote from: Bromtaghon on July 02, 2010, 10:19:58 AM
Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though. ???
Thanks and mikew781 already explained the 3rd one
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
Try to read these.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point
Kap'n Klystron - Nanuet, NYTwo hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.
Nice, I liked the piano and clock ones.
My favorite is the "fire at will" one :D.
Quote from: Bromtaghon on July 04, 2010, 06:07:31 PM
Nice, I liked the piano and clock ones.
Me too, time flies, or it does when I throw my alarm clock out of the window.
The following is not true purely for the pun of it.
I have to hand it to you for making topics time and time again. Even though this is not the fist time you went into minute detail. Which really ticks me off. I'm going cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo!!
And my last one for today
Once there was a 10 year old kid who's name is Bob was always jealous of his friends who always brags of all their possessions.
30 years later
He went over to his friends and bragged about his 5 story house and ask them all to come over.
15mins later
All of his friends came to see his house but they saw nothing through the dark alley. Bob emerged form the darkness and led them trough it. His fiends asked, "Where is your house?" Bob said, "Your looking at it... Don't you see those 5 boxes stacked on top of each other there it is."
I'll admit the story is lame but the end is funny.
Why do cars need to get tuned up?
Because, otherwise, they get tyred.
(Tumbleweed blows across room)
I thought it was funny
185 rulers walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve rulers here."
"Oh, that's fine," said the rulers. "We're straight edge." :D
A priest and a rabi walk in a bar, another guy ducks.
If you step onto a plane and recognize a friend of yours named Jack don't yell out Hi Jack!
I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak. I'm not a vegetarian.
The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.
Now matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill.
To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.
A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. My worst one yet.
I thought they were punny. Wow. Hope I don't revive a dead thread.
Necropost! (Hopefully, this was a good thread!)
A group of terrorists were camped out in a building, and the SWAT team threatened to blow their position with a rocket launcher, they gave up, no longer wanting to live on the other side of the LAW (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M72_LAW).
"Darn it! This statue must weigh a ton!"
"Turn it around"
"What good'll that do?"
"Because backwards, it's not"
(Don't laugh, or the consequences will be dire.)
That gives bad unfunny puns a bad name...
TAZER THE DUCK!!!!!
How about this:
A man, a woman, and a used car seller walk into a bar.
Eh. I don't get it.
sorry I don't get it, are you suggesting that used car sellers constitute their own gender?
Close. I'm suggesting that if the human race is made of men and women...
Or maybe he thought they deserved their own species.
Perhaps another homeworld entirely?
It's obvious the joke isn't. Allow me to try again:
Icy, said the blind penguin, as he picked up the icicle and saw.
Nope. Don't get it.
Oh, come on. That one was a triple-entendre, and I worked for 5 minutes on it!
First of all, the penguin is holding an icicle, and it makes sense, and "icy" could mean as spelled, or "I see".
Second, what's a blind person, penguin or otherwise, doing with an icicle and saw?
Finally, saw is both a literal saw, and the past tense of "to see".
Thus, the blind penguin saw, (prompting an "Icy" referring to both the icicle and the saw) because the joke says he did: "... picked up the icicle and saw.
Get it?
Hammer? What hammer? I didn't see a hammer.
Sorry, icicle. But do ya get the joke??
Nope. Not really. :P
GAHHH!!!!!! HUMANS!
The soup didn't taste too good after he poured his soda in, 'cause too many cokes spoils the broth.
All I can say is "Wha?"
It's a common expression.
The farmer didn't give any serious pause to think about why the number of tubers he possessed equaled 1 + 1 + 1/2! + 1/3! + ..., unlike most of those has e taters.
1. That panda eats shoots and leaves.
2. That panda eats, shoots, and leaves.
Notice the difference?
No matter what happens, always remember: you are unique... just like everyone else. :)
An Algebra teacher looks up from her desk to see a student beating their assignment with a bat. He wanted to make his grades sore.
More!!!
Why did the student store his paper in a bag of grass? He wanted to make his grades high.
When life gives you apple, return with a push.
And yet some more!
What did one shadowling say to the loser other? "Dude. Get a light."
Bill Clinton's VP is sitting at his desk, doing a math problem. Clinton notices that the pencil the man is holding, as he writes, is scratching out a funky beat on the piece of paper.
Clinton asks, "What 'cha doing, Al?"
and the Vice President replies, "Well, I'm coming up with an AlGoreRhythm."
Three tough guys are sitting on a wall.
The fist asks the second: "How much is 2 + 2 ?"
The second thinks for a while and replies: "5"
The first guy pulls his gun and kills the second guy.
The third guy, a bit scared, asks: "Why did you kill him?"
The first guy answers: "He knew
too much."
Yours, I don't get.
| VENUSIAN: | Hey, Mister! Know any Martians? |
| EARTHLING: | No... why? |
| VENUSIAN: | That's strange. I've done a study on thy culture, and I find all sorts of references to them. |
| EARTHLING: | Yeah? Like what? |
| VENUSIAN: | Well, there's that song your God-worshipping fighters sing. I believe it's called: "Battle Hymn of the Republic." |
| EARTHLING: | Really? I don't remember any Martians in that song... |
| VENUSIAN: | Well, there's the chorus; it goes, "Glory, glory hallelujah, Glory, glory hallelujah, Glory, glory hallelujah --" |
| EARTHLING: | Yeah? I'm not seeing the Martians. |
| VENUSIAN: | "-- as we go Martian on..." |
There is something with dashes under...
Still not getting it, and I don't see the dashes. Also, why are they sitting in a wall?
Hoover the mouse over "too much" in the last line.
[spoiler]And if you don't get it, think about the question in the first line.
2+2=4, so answering 5 is too much.
And when you think about illegal activities, sometimes somebody dies because he knew too much.[/spoiler]
Typo. I guess they should be "on a wall", since being "in a wall" might be a bit unhealthy!
Quote
since being "on a wall" might
don't you mean "in a wall" ?
Oh! My brain seems to be a bit dead... :P (Does this post counts as being on topic?)
Ah. I won't mention the other typo, then. I wouldn't want the dead cow to feel bad.
I'm worst than I thought. It seemed that I don't know how to spell. (Can this post also count as being on topic?)
Well, we are speaking of the udder truth. But I didn't see another grammatical error. Maybe I'm just tired.
I edited the post to correct the typo. I wrote "new" instead of "knew" in the last line.
Or were you transformed in a tyre? (Yeah. This is a lame pun...)
(You'd better shoot it in the leg. I can't cover the veterinary costs)
I really thought that "new" was intentional. As in "he was the new guy. He knew too much."
Is it really hot outside, or is it just ME?
That's an inuendo, and possibly qualifies as a pun... this time.
But really, can you think of something better?
I adopted a child from overseas, to rescue him from child labor factories...
and on his very first birthday we went to build-a-bear workshop....
That's not a pun. That's a comic one-liner. Please post puns in this thread.
Oh sorry. I misunderstood the thread.
That last one had no pun intended... *cough*
does that count? ._.
Hrrhm.... sure.
I went to my doctor, and told him I had broken my leg in two places, and he told me to
[spoiler=funny]stop going to those two places.[/spoiler]
What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless.
| Caveman 1: | What dat? |
| Caveman 2: | Issa wheel. |
| Caveman 1: | Issa wheel? |
| Caveman 2: | Yah. |
| Caveman 1: | Well, why issa triangle? Most wheels I see are squarish. |
| Caveman 2: | 'Cuz issa new wheel. Issa improvement on da last one. |
| Caveman 1: | Improvement? |
[spoiler=funny]
| Caveman 2: | Yah. Issa eliminates one bump. |
[/spoiler]
[/table]
TRUE STORY: We were doing the awards ceremony today. And during the 'Perfect Attendance' awards 4 of the people we're actually at the ceremony ! :D
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
It rather depends on what they're changing it into.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
What do you call a Spanish gentlemen sailing in open waters?
Sea señor.