No Pun Intended

[Bromtaghon]

A man once entered a pun contest.  He submitted ten puns, hoping to at least win a single prize, but sadly, no pun in ten did.

A doctor walked into a bar and ordered a hazelnut daiquiri.
The next day, he walked into the bar and ordered another hazelnut daiquiri.
He became a regular and ordered the same drink every day, coming at the same time.  Eventually, the bartender started preparing his drink before he arrived and it was always waiting on the counter when the doctor got there.
Once, the bartender lost track of time and realized he was out of hazelnuts.  He looked around, but all he could find was hickory nuts.  He threw together the drink and hoped the doctor wouldn't notice.
The doctor came in right on time, took a single sip, and said "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No," said the bartender. (Wait for it...)
"It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Post your lamest puns here!

[Duskling]

I think this should be moved to Forum Games?

[Bromtaghon]

Good point.  Can a mod move this please?

...waiting for KZ or Ert to show up...

[Tastidian]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's allright now.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police arelooking into it.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

[Bromtaghon]

Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though.  ???

[Duskling]

Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though.  ???

Aren't dull jokes the point?

[MikeW781]

Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though.  ???

Grass= Weed/Pot
So keep of the grass, as in don't smoke, and keep off the grass as in stay of the lawn
Wow. Explaining puns is not very interesting

[Bromtaghon]

Some puns just don't work because the person doesn't get it/doesn't know something.

[Tastidian]

Those are pretty good... I don't get the third one though.  ???

Thanks and mikew781 already explained the 3rd one

Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

Try to read these.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point Kap'n Klystron - Nanuet, NY

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

[Bromtaghon]

Nice, I liked the piano and clock ones.

[Duskling]

My favorite is the "fire at will" one :D.

[Tastidian]

Nice, I liked the piano and clock ones.

Me too, time flies, or it does when I throw my alarm clock out of the window.

The following is not true purely for the pun of it.

I have to hand it to you for making topics time and time again. Even though this is not the fist time you went into minute detail. Which really ticks me off. I'm going cuckoo cuckoo cuckoo!!

And my last one for today

Once there was a 10 year old kid who's name is Bob was always jealous of his friends who always brags of all their possessions.

30 years later

He went over to his friends and bragged about his 5 story house and ask them all to come over.

15mins later

All of his friends came to see his house but they saw nothing through the dark alley. Bob emerged form the darkness and led them trough it. His fiends asked, "Where is your house?" Bob said, "Your looking at it... Don't you see those 5 boxes stacked on top of each other there it is."

I'll admit the story is lame but the end is funny.

[Steel Ersatz Man]

Why do cars need to get tuned up?

Because, otherwise, they get tyred.

(Tumbleweed blows across room)

[Tastidian]

I thought it was funny

[CraigStern]

185 rulers walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve rulers here."

"Oh, that's fine," said the rulers. "We're straight edge." :D